I hate this dull ache..

I wasn't finished. I look at my sister Tasha and her fiance..and I see how they surmounted everything..I know it wasn't easy but damn. I swear I can see him everytime I close my eyelids..and taste him, breathe him..

I know it hasn't been so very long, but when he brought up marriage and kids and etc..I never thought I would EVER have that convo with anyone. What the hell is the matter with me? Why can't I ever have what I want? How come I am so fucking great and beautiful and amazing but not good enough for him to actually not give a shit and battle it out along side of me? His best friend has an out of state girlfriend and is happy as hell. I know that he isn't his friend but can't he see that it can be done? I don't know where I am heading. I know that things will get better but I think this is my platform for grief. I hate crying..but I've been doing it all day. I haven't seen him in so long that I am started to think I've grown a bit addled. I cried. I sat in the movies with my kids and cried in the dark. I cried on my way home. I cried in the bathroom. I am crying now. And why am I crying? Because I am so sick of this feeling that I can't seem to shake. I shall overcome this..but right now.. I really do wish I didn't have to feel. All the out pouring of love, the pride I had in saying I have a man..I never felt so good then.

My friends wanted me to go to a club..and for what? So I can sit there in the midst of ghetto negroes and ignorant people, expensive drinks and loud music that I can't stand? No. I begged off. I am sitting here drinking cheap rum and Diet Pepsi, crying, and typing to myself because the man that I love has once again pushed me away.
 The dull ache in my chest, what is it? Love? Rage? Defeat? I call it pain. Regardless of how I feel inside, I am going to stand down. Because his happienss is worth more to me than my own.



We suffer everyday, what is it for
These crimes of illusion, are fooling us all
And now I am weary and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

The size of our fight, it's just a dream
We've crushed everything I can see, in this morning selfishly
How we've failed and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

Now that we've chosen to take all we can
This shade of autumn, a stale bitter end
Years of frustration lay down side by side

And it's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart