Aoi kun feels the same way I do today...

Aoi, via Twitter, 1 hour ago:

"At this hour, being alone makes me wanna cry and I'd like to rely on someone else. That's why I hate being alone. Writing these things.. it only seems that I'm seeking attention and I hate that too, but I'm not the type of person that can restrain himself and in the end I write. For this reason I always behave coolheaded and I play around. I have even that. I hate when I became annoying. In the end.. I end up avoiding the first recording day."

 Anyone who knows me (not many, nyuk nyuk)  knows that I love this man. I think I shall explain this later on. It struck me because he totally said what I was feeling to the nth degree. Being alone sucks..but what sucks worse to me at least, is the fact that it sucks and you really don't care either way. Like, I don't even feel like being around people but...I don't want to be alone. I know..I am SUCH a walking contradiction..

The Art of Being Alone

I am a loner by nature. I know that's not common but it's what I am. I walk alone, I go to dinner alone, I travel alone. I think it's because I am so used to myself that I prefer to be by myself. It's like, I walk in a separate reality from others. I view things differently and I have so many conversations with myself.

So, yes, I am depressed. I am a depressed person and I have been since a child. I think it's because of the way I was treated growing up. You see, I have always been told I was an ugly child, and that followed me to my adult hood. People always (my own people at that) told me I was ugly. Boys never wanted to date me, and to this day, men don't like me either. I have a warped view of myself. I don't see me as a desirable person, so I figured maybe if I lost a lot of weight, I would feel better about myself. Not to prove a point to anyone, but just to see if I could start to like myself a bit more.

 I grew to see and understand that people hurt you so I learned to stay away. You have to be someone very special in order to get close to me. I understand that not everyone is out to attack you, but at the same time, better safe than sorry.

I do get lonely though. I go through periods of feeling totally ugly and not fit to be viewed by others. I also wish I weren't me sometimes. Other days I feel that I am fair. It's all about self perception but I don't think I am pretty at all. No matter. I don't think I'll care tomorrow. Right now, I am just lonely and...I still don't get how one can be so lonely but still not want to be bothered with anyone. Mostly it's please leave me alone and all in my self righteous anger and annoyed inner feelings. But that's just me and my weirdness. I don't post about it on Facebook because I don't want to seem to be a whiny person. I keep it all inside. No one cares either way.

Today I couldn't get out of bed. I can be honest and say that. I looked in the mirror and wanted to vomit. I did force myself out to the library. I felt like a rat scurrying to and from my hole. I'm also writing in a stiff fashion. I can always tell when I am going through a mental hiccup.Tomorrow will be better, or maybe it won't.

Let's talk Miyavi

This is my section that I call "J Rock Infected." Those who know me, know that I have a passion for Japan and Japanese music. My tastes run from J rock, to J hip hop, and my all time favorite, Visual Kei!

I wanted to get into Miyavi.

Miyavi is really Takamasa Ishihara (石原 貴雅 Ishihara Takamasa, born September 14, 1981) who is a Japanese visual kei musician. His work as guitarist for Due le Quartz and his successful solo career has really established him as an accomplished musician in the Japanese music scene. Miyavi calls himself the "Samurai Guitarist." His playing style is unique, as he does all sorts of tricks and slap picking on top of his jumping about and smiling as he plays.His mother is Japanese and his father is Korean. He is also 6'1. He came to the US to learn English and is married and has two daughters.He currently resides in Japan. 

(Yeah, I have a slight crush on him..I know..hush.) Right now he is touring and comes to the States regularly. 

A few more pictures of him and two videos:"Selfish Love" and "Survive" which are my favorite songs of his..oh, and "Torture." Enjoy.

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of "J Rock Infected!" Sayonara!

Tooth pain and presents!

Okay, so my tooth has been killing me for months now. I just got health insurance and I dashed off to the dentist. Come to find out, I had an infected gum. I was put on antibiotics and pain meds. Good news is, I get to keep all of my teeth. I am so happy about that. Imagine me, with dentures. I mean I would love to have had veneers but there is nothing like having your own teeth. I go back next week.

I don't understand how I can work for so long and not have health insurance. I had to be damn near destitute in order for me to even be able to get assistance..and I find that to be totally wrong on all levels. I worked and got nothing for it. I swear, I am going to leave this country. I am Japan bound.

I got some lovely presents from my sister. I got some stuff for my teeth and some cream for my knees.The teeth cleaning concoction tasted really good, all natural. I used it as soon as I got it and I was totally impressed. It's called Natura Dentizime I really enjoyed the taste of it, and it foamed a bit as I was brushing too. I will be using it daily in my oral care regimen.

The cream for my knees is called Arnicare. I've not used it yet but I know she wouldn't steer me wrong. I do a lot of walking and will be going back to the gym soon so it came right on time!

She sent me howlite for helping with my insomnia, and ametrine for keeping depression and negative energies away too. Cleaning them now in salt water and the charging comes after. I promise I'll be more interesting next post!

 About to listen to some J rock music..yes!

It's been awhile..

Well, things have been mighty different these last few months. I haven't been writing for a while because of my writer's block and other things. I said I was going to make it a point to write as much as I can every day, because I've become right lazy. So for the past few months I have been working on my fitness. I have always been curvy, but I want to make sure I have myself in hand before the old age hits me. I walk 2-6 miles a day and try to eat better. I really think that when I get myself together, I will be healthier and also happier.

So I am looking for a new job, because my old one wasn't the best of places to work. I think that I am going to just focus on getting myself together with this school thing. I am determined to see it through.