Poker face

I'm here in my truck trying hard not to buy a pack of cigarettes. I'm plowing through the days and hoping for better ones. I'm lonely and I'm so trying not to think of another new years eve alone..but it looks like that's whats going to happen. Ah well..life goes on, I guess.

Blank

I wish I had sleeping pills..

Pain

Yesterday was painful. My niece got engaged on Xmas day. I'm happy for her but my heart cringed. I'm not going to get into it. Congrats to everyone who was with their significant others today and those who got proposed to. It must be nice to have that feeling of contentment.

I was home with my children. We ate. We hung out. I kept my game face on though. So yeah. I'm just going to fade out. I feel like my soul is bleeding.

Untitled

This is for the girls who cried when their hearts broke, who staggered underneath the weight of Stygian darkness, who stood firm even when their heads told them to flee..who remembered long dead winters of being abandoned and left to weep fresh tears of blood..

This is for the girls who prayed for love,only to have it yanked forcefully away from them in demonic spurts of  strength..who flinched back from the gales of gigantic laughter, gnashing their teeth and shrieking to the ethers for blissful relief..

This is for the girl who cries in her head everytime she thinks of that long road of unabashed loneliness..that stretches out in front of her for miles as she staggers footsore and broken, into a myriad of mosaic molecules shining brightly in her exquisite pain..

This is for the girl who never deserved to be hurt as many times as she did, who shudders in the dark when she thinks of all that was lost, who wanders in confusion, scared to speak because she never wanted to look desperate, or not know what to say, and with all that clouding her mind, walks away because she's tired of having to hold her tongue..



(to be continued)

Um..so, yeah..

I'm in bed. It's 9:57 pm. Very long day..but he called me and for that I'm elated. Very simple conversation, but I'm grateful for it. Room cleaned, well the floor is. He's not coming for Xmas..*sigh* I'll just mail his present to him. I'm reading and laying here listening to big band music and with a belly full of pie. January starts my workouts. I'm ready.

I got big feet. So what?

Yeah so I got big feet. I wear a size 10 wide. I blame my father. He had broad African feet. Thank the goddesses and gods for Torrid..wow I'm drunk, I'll fix this later..

I'm drunk and I don't care

I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm drunk right now and I can't sleep. I'm sitting here thinking about how much I love my kids. My sons and my daughter are so cool even when I'm not at my best. They rock. I spent time with Carlton tonight and he's so brilliant. I hung with Bam Bam and it was awesome. It's easy to forget your issues when you have cool children to alleviate some stress.

Yeah so, my house is haunted. I've got a house full of ghosts. Carlton and I talked about it. We have lots of spirits in this house. Phea sleeps with me because her room is full of activity. It's sort of cool though, except when you aren't expecting it.Beds shake, shadow people, perfume scents,full body apparitions,cold spots, walking in cobwebs, the works. My family has generational powers. I'm thinking we are just sensitive.

Wow, I'm drunk. I think I gotta pee. I'm sweating now..damn.

Anyway, I'm going to the gym starting in January. I need to work out and eat better. For my birthday I'm going to be a sexy momma. Am I rambling? Yeah I think I am.

I'm NOT talking to him this weekend. I'm going to be silent. Tired of men treating me like I'm nothing. I'm tired of loving and not having it reciprocated. This is just how it is. I'm hot. Riesling has me sweaty.Yayyyyyy wine.Yayyyyy a day without tears. Yayyyy Orishas. Shoutout to David and Hector. Shout out to Ochun. Marefun Ochun! Shoutout to Ellegua.Marefun Ellegua! Things will workout for me. Ache' and aiyebobo!

Can't sleep..the sequel.

I'm trying here. It's not as easy as I thought it would be..I mean I find myself reaching out to him like we are the same. I wonder how that works. I mean I feel like an idiot wanting to scream and kick. And I feel lonely as hell. Lonelier now, seems like. I don't know what to do. It's like I have no one to turn to..

Why is it so easy for people to walk away from me?

I'm laying in bed, trying not to think about him. Why is it so hard? David said that this is my test. I know it is. I've not cried today, well just a bit. But earlier I couldn't catch my breath.I came home and felt so sore, like I was in a cage match..but that's all psychological. I wish I could tell him that I love him and how much I miss his touch. I want to tell him to give it a chance but..

Why am I even bothering writing? I wish he was here..him holding me while we sleep, him pulling me to him when I get too hot in his sleep..I even miss that loud trumpety snore when he's had too much to drink. *sigh*

Why am I doing this to myself?

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep. Wish me luck.

_Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game. (with lyrics)

Amy Winehouse - 'Tears Dry On Their Own'

Amy Winehouse - 'Wake Up Alone'

Monsoon

Crying. Cried at work. Cried in the car on the way home. Cried when I got home. Cried in the bathroom. Crying right now and drinking. My head should be mildewed by now. One day. One day to grieve and then back to smiling through the pain. It hurts so much. It shouldn't but god it does. I really don't want to talk. I'm tired of it all. I had a fling. I said I didn't want a damned fling! I invested time and energy and what did I get? Dumped like a used condom and flushed away. *sigh* The pain is unbearable. I want to sleep. Maybe when I wake up, this will all have been a realistic nightmare..

My tears dry on their own..

Well, it's over. I tried to hold on and it didn't work. What a way to tell me. Through text and at work..*sigh*

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. It hurts. Why do I always have to hurt all the time? Why does everyone leave me? I feel so alone..I felt what joy was..what it was like to actually have someone..he made me feel so free..but again, I got comfortable. Why me? Okay. One day to grieve. Then back to work. Love seems to be a losing game, at least for me.

Progress..

Okay so, I talked to him today a bit..and found that he was going to see if he could make it for Xmas. He said that if he didn't he would be stuck there alone. I think that he will be here. It was nice talking to him..felt like old times. He even said that we haven't talked on the phone that much because he was catching up on some stuff he was watching. God, I miss him. I really do. But it's getting better. I am still praying for a resolution. I just want it to be like it was..

Cute socks..for curvy girls like me!

I SO love these socks..I must have them. I think I can actually pull them off. With a cute denim skirt and some Mary J's? What say you?

Sock Dreams » Plus Sized » Vertically Checkered OTKs

Day 3..

Okay, today was a bit better. I woke up this morning feeling a bit optimistic. I got some job leads from Steve today and I sent them off to him. He mentioned that he was getting a new job and and I was happy for him. He said that I shouldn't sound so discouraged..because it's not official. I know that I'm thinking positive. I know that he really wants to come here but you know, at least I have that...and there's still hope. I know that what we have isn't trivial..we are both frustrated as hell right now. Me with wanting him to see reason, and him with me not being there during the week.

I love him. I truly and honestly love him. I didn't mean to, I didn't plan it, but what of it? Is there a time frame on love? Is there a definitive appropriate time schedule that I had to follow? I didn't know I was to tumble head over heels down that slippery slope. Oh, to be sure, I fought it..to no avail though.

 We are talking a bit more. I'm still walking on tiptoe around him..why, I don't know. I think it's because I don't want any more stress and also I don't like having discontent in this. I love when he's happy and chatty. Lately he's been so withdrawn and closed mouthed.

And now..Xmas may be a bust because he doesn't have the money to come here. I may have to wire him the money or give him the return money to get home. I may not see him until New Year's Eve..*sigh* I haven't seen him since November 19th...well the weekend of the 19th. At least we are talking a bit more. Lawd..Saturday was a mess.

So...here we are. I prayed alot and I am also thinking positive. Tasha is helping me lots.I haven't cried today. I got a bit misty but I've not gone overboard with the water works. I've actually haven't gone the doom and gloom route lately...and I am still here. Hell, where am I going? I am not leaving him. Okay, so I'm not even going to go into the "And I am telling you" route right now..lol. I just know that I am not going anywhere.



You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave down when your down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that

I'll do you right when your wrong
I-----ohhh, ohhh

If only you could see into me

oh, when your cold
I'll be there to hold you tight to me
When your on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, your so much better than you know
When your lost, when your alone and you can't get back again
I will find you darling I'll bring you home

If you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time you'll be fine

You think I'd leave your side baby
You know me better than that
You think I'd leave you down when your down on your kness
I wouldn't do that

I'll do you right when your wrong
I-----I, ohhhh, ohhh

If only you could see into me

Oh when your cold
I'll be there
To hold you tight to me
Oh when your alone
I'l be there by your side baby..

The Beatles - Let It Be

I'm trying.. I really am. I need a hug. I need a big hug and I need it now. I'm not a prayerful person but right now, I am crying out to the most high gods and goddesses for help. If you have any compassion for a girl like me, please send it my way. I'm so sick of the pain. I know there's people in the world that are suffering and my wants are minor compared to them, but this pain is crystalised within me. It hurts so badly that I can't seem to catch my breath. I just need it to go away so I can breathe. I know it's not the end, I know. It's not over...this is just a pause. Pause for the cause so we can hear the applause..

I just need assistance in handling it all.

The transition after me feeling what a relationship is like, living him, breathing him, smelling him in my hair and on my skin is ripping me apart. Knowing that he's suffering in his head hurts me. I beseech the ethers to hear me. I'm not a bad person. I'm really not. I know I'm not perfect. I'm a stubborn, impatient, willful person, but I never did anything wrong to the universe. I admit I can be a bit forceful and a bully, but that's just me protecting myself. I ask the deities that walk with me, my spirit guides, and my ancestors to help me. Help us through this period of frost. I need to learn how to be still and calm in the face of adversity. I know I do. I'm doing my best to work on it. I just need help.

Please.

Ase'.

The Beatles-Hey Jude..(or as I like to call it..Hey J.) Oh the irony!

So fitting. I swear I just stumbled across this song (because I am a huge Beatles fan) and I started to cry listening to it. I just want it to get better. I want US to make it better. 

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better


Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.


And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,
You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better..

*why is it that every fucking song I hear makes me cry now?!*

Examination of me

I  must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, gets angry, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves hard and hates harder, hurts and gets hurt, worries and frets, stays up way too late, grinds her teeth, gets loud, goes mute, puts up walls, walks away, tries too hard, promises and breaks promises, laughs, curses, screams, withdraws and cries.

I must learn to love the pain in me, that stuff that shows me that life isn’t an easy ride..that when I fall down, it’s okay to lay there for a bit..but know that I must get up, that it’s alright to feel..because if there is no feeling..there is no life.

I must learn to love the impatient me..because all good things come to those who wait..and even though the anticipation is a monster..once I get it in my hands..how happy would I be? I would reap the harvest of my fortitude..and I would eat the fruit of my labor.

I must learn to love the me that isn’t pretty..because that teaches me that there is more to me that meets the eye..and inside of me is gorgeous. Inside is where my true beauty lies..even though I don’t see it outwardly.

I must learn to love all of me, for better or for worse. I know that I am a work in progress.I  know that I am not perfect.I know that I can be a bit much to handle. But I also know and understand that I am still learning..and still evolving.

I can't sleep..

Basically I can't sleep because the silence is scary. I know I've been sleeping just fine not too long ago, but not talking to him all day has my head in a damned fog. I shouldn't be dependent, but I don't think I am really. I gave in and sent him a text saying hello..he said that he had a toothache and was resting..why did that send me over the moon? Him responding to me? WTF?

My patience has never been the best. I miss his touch..I miss his loud snoring, and even him being annoyingly loud. He can be SO loud for no reason sometimes..I need to stop blathering on about him but I can't...because I'm in....

 I know, I couldn't resist that one. I think at my age I need to really evaluate my feelings but I already know what I want. I know who I want to be with. I just want to have things the way I want it even though I know that really isn't how life works. Rationally I am okay. I just miss him. Terribly. Is he thinking of me?

I sat here tonight and watched ghost hunts and things. My mind kept wandering over to him. I am still thinking about those feathers. I know things will turn out okay. I am going to watch this rerun of SNL and then go to bed. Monday's suck, and I am totally not ready for it. Look, I hate my job,but I am going to do what it takes to excel at it so I can move to a better role and better pay. I was thinking that maybe when things get better, I can plan for the future the right way.

I walked today and looked at the sky, felt the rain on my face, and breathed in the cool air..and my heart remained heavy. My heart is in Maryland. It is. I just wish I could tell him how I really feel. This step back..this is the second time we've done this. It was all him. His fears. He said I was forcing the issue..like I've been forcing it to be over. Every time he said he wanted to slow down, I've said well let's end it. A step back. Again.

 But as I said before..I won't allow myself to be tossed away. I'll leave first before I let that happen. Tasha said that I would push him away by doing that. I've since calmed down. I can respect his feelings. I cannot walk away. I just can't.

Another day

Well this is day 2. I'm doing a bit better..I cried some more today..went to the market and tried to act like my heart isn't full of cracks. I didn't hear from him today, but I said I would stand firm and not call or text him. My Taurus pride can be a monster sometimes. I talked to Michelle today and she's going through the same thing, only she's sick of being alone. We talked a bit, I vented, and she basically told me to hold on. He will come around.

As I sat in the car talking on the phone, some birds flew overhead and a whole bunch of feathers fell down in front of me. I told Michelle about it and she said that it really meant that I was on the right path. According to Native American theory, the feathers are for peace and justice. Things are going to work out. Ma'at showed me today with those feathers too. Divine peace and justice..and I think my spirit guides were comforting me.

 I am going to be okay. I just miss him so much. Part of me wants to approach him but I can't. I don't want to annoy him or anything. Last thing he needs is a performance from me. Listening to myself has been a bit easier, partially because I'm actually sitting still. It's just that when I think of him, the pain starts to grow, and the tears being to sting the back of my eyes..then the overflow comes.

I found that when I don't think about anything, he creeps into the dark places where I thought I was safe. I can't look at his pictures because I feel as if my heart will explode. I think I got beyond comfortable..but who wouldn't? I don't want his money, I don't want anything from him but his time. I remember when we went to the museum, and how much fun we had..sitting there staring at his profile as he plays video games, watching him sleep..

Oh dear..here comes the water..

I wonder if he thinks of me the way I do him. He said he got angry when I said I wanted to see him..because of the money thing. Then the whole location thing came up..but I just stepped back. I am going to mute myself. I know if I don't I'll say something terrible because of my innate need to defend myself and my heart. I don't want to push him away..but I think being quiet will help me because I need to regroup. I can't eat. I don't want anything to eat at all. I just want to be happy again, like it was before. I'd be on my way home now from his house if things were normal. Right now, I just want to get drunk and curl up into a ball and sleep. But wouldn't that be the cowardly way? I have to take all this pain as I've taken it before. Hard and to the face. Pain is all I know. Happiness is a rare thing for me. I've tasted it and found it good. How does life dare come around and slap it out of my hand?

 I know he will never read this, but I need to say it. I love him. That's just how it is. Maybe it means something, maybe it doesn't..but I know what I feel in my soul.

Cats Playing Patty-cake, what they were saying...

I needed this smile..

I hate this dull ache..

I wasn't finished. I look at my sister Tasha and her fiance..and I see how they surmounted everything..I know it wasn't easy but damn. I swear I can see him everytime I close my eyelids..and taste him, breathe him..

I know it hasn't been so very long, but when he brought up marriage and kids and etc..I never thought I would EVER have that convo with anyone. What the hell is the matter with me? Why can't I ever have what I want? How come I am so fucking great and beautiful and amazing but not good enough for him to actually not give a shit and battle it out along side of me? His best friend has an out of state girlfriend and is happy as hell. I know that he isn't his friend but can't he see that it can be done? I don't know where I am heading. I know that things will get better but I think this is my platform for grief. I hate crying..but I've been doing it all day. I haven't seen him in so long that I am started to think I've grown a bit addled. I cried. I sat in the movies with my kids and cried in the dark. I cried on my way home. I cried in the bathroom. I am crying now. And why am I crying? Because I am so sick of this feeling that I can't seem to shake. I shall overcome this..but right now.. I really do wish I didn't have to feel. All the out pouring of love, the pride I had in saying I have a man..I never felt so good then.

My friends wanted me to go to a club..and for what? So I can sit there in the midst of ghetto negroes and ignorant people, expensive drinks and loud music that I can't stand? No. I begged off. I am sitting here drinking cheap rum and Diet Pepsi, crying, and typing to myself because the man that I love has once again pushed me away.
 The dull ache in my chest, what is it? Love? Rage? Defeat? I call it pain. Regardless of how I feel inside, I am going to stand down. Because his happienss is worth more to me than my own.



We suffer everyday, what is it for
These crimes of illusion, are fooling us all
And now I am weary and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

The size of our fight, it's just a dream
We've crushed everything I can see, in this morning selfishly
How we've failed and I feel like I do

It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

Now that we've chosen to take all we can
This shade of autumn, a stale bitter end
Years of frustration lay down side by side

And it's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

It's only you, who can tell me apart
And it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart

Bittersweet day..

Today was a day of random tears and deep musings. I talked to the...wait..let me start from the beginning.

I am so used to having doors slammed in my face, or better yet, life being shut down indefinitely. I am just that sort. A good person who constantly has bad things happen to them. I should be used to it but I'm not. I met this man, you see, and he is everything that I ever wanted in my life..he thinks I'm beautiful, flaws and all. Same likes, same common connection, he makes me laugh, and when I am with him, the world seems to shrink to just us two. I found myself not worrying about the other stuff that life tosses at me. All I saw was him and the way he made me feel. I love being in his presence...but..the thing is, he lives 2 states away. And my stupid ass had to go and fall in love with him.

Things were great in the beginning..I'd go see him every other weekend, we'd have great fun together..just he and I..watching obscure movies and English football, drinking, laughing, kissing and laying down on his futon. He made me glow from within like a black light. Nothing mattered. When I had to go home, I would feel so down..like the air was being sucked out of me. Anyway, things worked. We missed each other, and we talked everyday, at work, at home, on the off weekends..then it changed.

He told me that he wanted me to be there everyday, he needed someone local. That burned me. I mean I really thought we were okay, like we were working to be together in the same state. I would move there or vice versa. I couldn't stop thinking about him..his touch, his laugh..I knew that one day I wanted to marry him. But yeah, that's what it was. Well, that is what it is. He's frustrated, I know this. I'm frustrated too..but why does it seem like whenever I get something that I like, or fits me, something bad happens?

Sorry, crying break.

So anyway..I used to tell him that if he didn't want me he was free to go. He never took that. Today he said that he wanted to take a step back. I understood that. But why does it seem to work for others and not me? He said I was amazing and etc..but I still feel terrible. I told him that many times, like seriously. I meant every word. I know that he is for me, and deep down I know he knows it too. I know the frustration can make a person not see clearly, but I am not going to beg him. Because that isn't me. I shall take that step back but it tears me apart to know that I can't be where he is. I am so good at hurting. I swear I am. When he first told me that I was beautiful, I was shocked. I mean..well..I haven't been told that many times before so it was a bit of a dash of cold water to me. I dreamed of a man like him..steadfast, loyaly, family values..respect..and yet..here I sit. What to do?

I never thought I would meet anyone who fit me like he does. I doubt that I ever will again. Why can't this be easier for me? I am sick of being lonely..and I thought that if love was to make people stick together..why can't it work for us? Now I am here again, alone. And all because of 2 fucking states between me and the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with.




Say it's the same sun spinning in the same sky
Say it's the same stars streaming in the same night
Tell me it's the same world whirling through the same space
Tell me it's the same time tripping through the same day
So say it's the same house and nothing in the house has changed
Yeah say it's the same room and nothing in the room is strange
Oh tell me it's the same boy burning in the same bed
Tell me it's the same blood breaking in the same head
Say it's the same taste taking down the same kiss
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it's always been like this
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it always and forever is
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it's always been like this
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it always and forever is
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you
Yeah tell me it's all the same
This is how it's always been
But if nothing has changed...
Then it must mean...
But the sun is cold - the sky is wrong
The stars are black - the night is gone
The world is still - the space is stopped
The time is out - the day is dropped
The house is dark - the room is scarred
The boy is stiff - the bed is hard
The blood is thick - the head is burst
The taste is dry - the kiss is thirst
And it's not the same you
It's not the same you
No it never was like this
It's not the same you
It's not the same you and it never really is
It's not the same you
It's not the same you
No it never was like this
It's not the same you
It's not the same you and it never really is
It's not the same you
It's not the same you
Oh it's not the same
This isn't how it's always been
Everything has to have changed...
Or it's me...

Been a minute..and yes, this is a drunk post.

I know I've not been here for a bit, I suppose life got to me. I was just delving into the depths of depression. I do suffer from it from time to time, so I figured I'd write a bit. Again, these are ramblings.

I really shouldn't even been trying to type right now..I drank half a bottle of Pinot Grigio and I'm a bit tipsy. I did my daughter's hair, some laundry, and talked to the boyfriend, so I sat down and started to write.

I have been a bit blue lately..things haven't been so great in my life lately. I never once claimed to be this balling out of control woman, with oodles of money to throw about. Hell, my credit sucks. I was thinking that instead of me sitting here crying about it, I need to fix it.

*sidebar* Damn, I want some Chipotle..

I was considering going back to school..and I am going to. I am sick of making excuses. I am determined to finish. I am at the point in my life where I have nothing holding me back from my dreams. My kids are older, I have freedom, and I am going to proceed to where my zenith is. I am happy with my decision.

Hang on...my eyes are crossing. I am well knackered..

Yeah so I'm sitting here waiting for my clothes to dry. I swear I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  I really don't..blah. Anyway, I have been so fascinated by New Orleans. I am dying to go there, just to see the cemeteries and the voodoo queens. I need to buy some products and enjoy the heat. I was reading about the segregated cemeteries and how they really didn't even try to conceal the fact that the black area of the graveyard was poor and unkempt as compared to the white section. I know the Jim Crow era was deep in the south but reading it today sort of have me gobsmacked. I was shocked. I was reading this site..

http://www.nolacemeteries.com/

and I found it so interesting that I've been there for hours. Lots of pictures of tombs and stories about the graveyards are there, and its a whole lot to poke through. I've also been reading a lot of Poppy Z. Brite stuff lately and her stories have renewed an interest in Louisiana tenfold.
 Okay, enough of this..later.