Picking up pieces

"I don't believe in love, because it doesn't believe in me."

I said that a few years ago. Now I am not so sure. I look at my friends who have relationships, and I get a twinge in my chest. I don't know if that's from me being so used to being an ice queen and I'm finally thawing, or is it because I'm scared that I'm going to die alone in a house full of cats. Either way, it's something that I've been pondering.

Part of me wants to be totally honest here, but then something says no. But then it's like who cares? It's not like anyone is going to read this anyway.

Okay so..I've always suffered from low self esteem. At the hands of my family, my own mother, people at school, etc, I have been a victim of bullying. I was told that I was ugly so many times that I started to believe it, so I stopped caring about myself. I felt that I was doomed and that I didn't deserve to live because I was so hideous.

And so it goes. I saw a picture on Facebook of a friend of mine who got married to a Japanese man. I said to myself..there is hope for me. All my life I've been told that there was something wrong with me..so that gave me a lot of hope.

It's a well known fact that I am partial to Japanese men. Okay, there it is. My thing is, because of my "ethnic" features, I have been told all of my life that I was unattractive. So there you have it. On the table. My "thing." It's funny that things you were told during your childhood stays with you up until your adult years. I feel that it's important to understand that words do carry energy and they do hurt. That sticks and stones thing is a bunch of poop. But it's okay..because I'm going to fix it.

I suppose now I start over and pick up the pieces that I lost of myself. I am going to move forward and never quit. I have goals that I need to achieve. I thank all the people who encouraged me to keep going. You know who you are.

So..onward! 行きましょう! (Ikemashou!=Let's go!)

Hodge podge

Last night my daughter and I went to the gym. We walk there and back, which is probably a mile and a half both ways. I really love our walks, because we talk about things, laugh and reflect on what we love and hate together. She's funny. She said that I objectify men, and I do sometimes. She knows me so well, that kid.

Anyway, we go to the gym and do our work out. Nothing major, just us lifting weights and so on. No cardio because I really didn't feel like it..plus we walked a bit more on our way back. I was thinking seriously that there needs to be more hours in the day, partially because I have so much to do. I have to really get back into my spiritual work, because there are so many points that I am missing.

My clothes are fitting a bit looser now, which was the whole point of it. I'm working so hard because I want to be able to cut costs on my surgery in the next year or two. I'm SO getting an overhaul on this body of mine. I refuse to go to Japan like THIS.

Sitting here at work and contemplating life..and wondering about this funding site I found so I can get assistance with my dental work. It's really a lot of money that I have to pay! I'm going this route because I really want to save my teeth. I think I'll write about that experience in another post. I'll be back and forth because my thoughts come so rapidly now..and I want to work on this blog and make it a space where it's all me.

It's actually cold outside..and it's going to rain, but the gym calls me.


Sexy man of the day...Atsushi Sakurai of the band BUCK-TICK. He's a bit older now at 47 years old, but he is STILL fine.

Untitled

I dreamed about you again last night
how you looked as you were walking towards me
hair fluttering in the wind..
I saw you see me as I see myself
looking into myself..
I found myself tracing your veins with
my eyes and searching for my place within you..

..you walked past me, preoccupied with other things
falling into the adoration of others
listening to your name being screamed out
from the many throats of those who are not me..

I looked for the horizon in the space that you once inhabited
feeling the breeze as you passed me by..
turning in slow motion as I realized that you never saw me
and understanding that..
it was just my desire being played out across the miles that now
and always have distanced me from you..

Disjointed ramblings..

Nothing fancy today..just awake and sitting here musing. Lately, and by lately I mean in the last few weeks, I have been doing a bit better. Working out, losing weight, freaking out because my weight is fluctuating up and down because I'm working out..it's weird. But I am doing lots better than I was before.

Maybe that's the reason for this post. My true feelings are that I am taking on so much, but it's not as bad as it could be. I'm learning Japanese because I am going to move there to teach English, but it's like climbing a very large tree. Branches get in the way, and then on top of that, it rains and the bark becomes slippery. I don't think I'm that good at metaphors..heh. Anyway, I am going to win. All my life I've failed and I am done with it.


So I was telling my sister that I want to write a poem. I haven't done it yet because my thoughts are not together. I don't even know what I want to write about. I've not been depressed, so I don't want to write about that..and I am not in love so nothing's coming from that. I was thinking that I want to publish my poems..and I think I still will do it. My sister says...do it. Of course she would say that..she is one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Great..something else added to the plate.

So let's see:

Guitar lessons
Japanese lessons
Voice lessons
Math tutoring
Work
Working out
Publishing poetry and writing poems for it

Then when I pass my entrance test to get back into university:

Japanese language
English 103
Pre requisites

I think that me taking so much on is making me feel like I have a purpose. I swear..it's going to get better. I know it is. I am healthy, I am losing weight..and I have a couple of good friends in my corner. I am good. Determination is good. Life is good.


Oh..sexy man of the day:

Yes. Kyo of Dir en grey. I think I may do this each post. It sure makes me feel better!

Okay, I'm back.

I know I keep saying this, but I am back. I want to talk about a myriad of things, but I think that I'll break them down into different posts. Today we are going to talk about what my sister says is writing for therapy. I am a writer. No, I am not published, nor am I aspiring to write the next great novel, but I write for my sanity. I feel that I have a passion for words and it's something that helps me through the rough times.

From this point on, I am going to write about everything..no matter how insipid and corny, no matter how whiny and self centered, or just plain boring they may be. I feel that I have things to say..and I am going to say them. I don't mind exposing my insides. At least I can do so and not feel like I'm being judged.

I hope that people will find a similar feeling when reading what I am saying..and even though I am writing for me, I suppose this is a way of saying that if anyone can understand what I say and the feelings that I'm speaking about, feel free to comment. This is about a strange-ling..who has these fits of emotion that are very, very different. So, let's begin the journey, yes?