Picking up pieces

"I don't believe in love, because it doesn't believe in me."

I said that a few years ago. Now I am not so sure. I look at my friends who have relationships, and I get a twinge in my chest. I don't know if that's from me being so used to being an ice queen and I'm finally thawing, or is it because I'm scared that I'm going to die alone in a house full of cats. Either way, it's something that I've been pondering.

Part of me wants to be totally honest here, but then something says no. But then it's like who cares? It's not like anyone is going to read this anyway.

Okay so..I've always suffered from low self esteem. At the hands of my family, my own mother, people at school, etc, I have been a victim of bullying. I was told that I was ugly so many times that I started to believe it, so I stopped caring about myself. I felt that I was doomed and that I didn't deserve to live because I was so hideous.

And so it goes. I saw a picture on Facebook of a friend of mine who got married to a Japanese man. I said to myself..there is hope for me. All my life I've been told that there was something wrong with me..so that gave me a lot of hope.

It's a well known fact that I am partial to Japanese men. Okay, there it is. My thing is, because of my "ethnic" features, I have been told all of my life that I was unattractive. So there you have it. On the table. My "thing." It's funny that things you were told during your childhood stays with you up until your adult years. I feel that it's important to understand that words do carry energy and they do hurt. That sticks and stones thing is a bunch of poop. But it's okay..because I'm going to fix it.

I suppose now I start over and pick up the pieces that I lost of myself. I am going to move forward and never quit. I have goals that I need to achieve. I thank all the people who encouraged me to keep going. You know who you are.

So..onward! 行きましょう! (Ikemashou!=Let's go!)