I'm back..and here to stay.

I've realized that I have so much inside of me that needs to come out. I never poured my heart out on a blog..but here goes. I am a pro dumpee. Meaning that I get dumped professionally..well, on a professional level. That's not to say that I am a wretched person. No. I am just not good with men. Men don't seem to want to BE with me. I don't know what it is.As soon as I mention commitment..it's the sound of screeching tires. I often wonder what is so wrong with me..why I can't seem to have a loving relationship..and if I'm going to die alone. I'm 38. I've never been married, nor been asked. Spinster..that I am.

I think it's just the nature of the beast. The man I want doesn't want a commitment..but was more than happy enough to pretend. I look at myself and wonder what is so wrong with me. I used to think that maybe it wasn't meant for me to be happy. Life can be a cruel joke, can't it? I'm so good at crying. I really am..

Well..I've got so much to talk about..

I've been away for a bit. Let's catch up, shall we?

I've gone back to school, my daughter has joined the gym with me, we have a puppy named Sasha who's a white German Shepherd..and he and I have gotten back together.

I know, I know..crazy right? But like I say often..boys are stupid. We actually talked about marriage and etc. I feel that I have been so stretched out between everything..I need to breathe. But at the same time, I am elated. I know that I have prayed, and hoped and wished, but it's here. Now all I have to do is think about other things, like dresses and money..but one day at a time. It's like I am so happy that he's back that I feel like I'm rambling.

I am so grateful that the orisha and my ancestors have finally gotten the fact that I've been so down for so long and that I needed a reprieve. I thank them for that. I think I'll get more deeper into everything when I get myself together.

Requiem

I am so ready for love, but love’s not ready for me,
I wander through this life trying to realise
what is so wrong with me,
is it my soul?
What have I done to deserve this?
I think of the ways that I have been uplifted thinking that this..
this..
was the portal to the place where
I would finally feel that warm feeling..
where is my place?
I can only love him from afar.
and wish that I had him to take me.
take me..
take me,
hold me close,
and fill me with the absolute joy of compassion..
yet I’m so powerless..
and there’s nothing I can do..
I picked myself up,
brushed my shoulders off and I continue my journey,
tears that refuse to fall sear my eyes like second hand smoke..
I can’t help that I love..
I can’t help that I yearn..
and my verses mean nothing,
its like banging my head on a brick wall..
looking at my own blood smeared on the surface,
and he doesn’t hear me!
And my feelings are turning to poison,
slowly choking me, taunting me..
saying “You’re worthless..”
my bed is so cold, and my arms are empty,
waking up to sterile nothingness,
wishing that I had the feel of his hand on my thigh..
and I walk alone once again…
my misery is unnoticed,
why should he care?
Why should I even bother reaching out for him?
(he doesn’t want you)
my spirit whispers.. whispers in my ears and echoes
down the dark lonely tunnel which is my future…
I am so ready for love,
but love’s not ready for me..
the way that I inhaled him,
the way our insides lit up every time we touched..
means nothing,
and I will walk alone forever..
pretending that this love doesn’t exist.
.moving on in silence.
I swallowed my pride and laid open my heart..
to no avail…for me, it’s winter all the time,..
for me, its raining, for me,
no love…
time to carry on right?
Time to continue living..
and love him from a distance..
The more I think of him the more I want to call.
but I can’t..because
its not my place anymore.
The sound of his voice is tattooed on my heart,
his smile is branded behind my eyelids.
and even though he’s not with me,
I am with him.,
even if he doesn’t feel my presence..
when things went wrong I imagined it wasn’t real..
what a fine line between this and that..
and even though he is the closest to me,
he’s still so distant..
why does the one that is the closest to you,
always seem to hold you the furthest away?
Yet I still want to see tomorrow with him..
a tiny taste of hypocrisy, because I fake it so well..
I pretend that I’m where I used to be,
so the dull ache will dissipate..
keeping everything inside..
I put on my mask, yet I wind up alone again..
waking up in the middle of the night alone again,
crying by myself.. alone again,
masturbating slowly, alone again..
wiping my own tears, alone again.
I am so ready for love,
yet love’s not ready for me.
I have chosen to take as much as I could stand,
and I can’t seem to enjoy the night like I used to..
tried to tell him about the state I’m in..
my bubble burst,..
and I miss the way we were..
damn..
those good feelings come back to haunt me,
and I want to crawl into his arms and ask him
to please take some of my pain away
because..
sometimes I need to be touched,
I miss being touched
but.. I am a soldier.. I lace up my iron corset
and
shoulder my feelings like a automatic Kalashnikov..
facing the setting sun,
marching on to the forest of eternal night.
swallowing my emotions
and setting my jaw into that steady line…
Oh God, I am so ready for love
but..
love’s just not ready for me…

(c) J.E. 2010

Thank you, David

I was reading David's blog..(who is a dear friend of mine, who I respect and love so much) and I read this piece that he posted:

"Through sacrifice and the investing into the one person that you have to face the rest of your life, YOU. You can attain a beautiful place in solitude, peace in your spirit and a pep in your step."-David Sosa

He raises a valid point. This is something I need to do. I just knew where to start though..

Blue

Right then, today I felt depressed. I am sitting here contemplating starting  my book..but my thoughts are all over the damned place. I said that I was going to attempt it..and I will, I just need to focus. I also said to myself that I was going to start harnessing my spiritual greatness. That wasn't meant to sound arrogant, believe me. I just know that I have a calling and I'm going to do what I must to grow in it. My ancestors want me to, and I shall. I am so lonely. Winter seems to be doing its job on me, seriously. I said that I was going to blog everyday..even if I didn't feel like it. I don't have anything witty to say, nor do I wish to talk about these vapid celebrities. I just want to bare my soul sometimes..as if anyone gives a damn.

It's Friday. I want to be curled up on his futon, watching Netflix with him and laughing at his randomness. It's up to me to lift the block. It's up to him to act on it when it's lifted. Now, I systematically feel like I am being pulled to bits.

My sadness is spinning out. I feel alone, and tragic..but I know I'm blocked. He is blocked. I just feel like screaming sometimes. The wind howls..and I sit here..looking about my room, feeling like I want to rip my skin off and wash the inside of me with salt water. I call out to my ancestors and Orisha for guidance, but I feel like I'm yelling into a rusty pipe. My cries echo back to me...and I sit here still, alone.

Wow..

I got a call from HIM and that was so unexpected. I do believe that this is going to work out. I just need patience..patience and alot of me time. I miss him terribly.

I am here, getting over the flu and other ickies. I was really sick during the beginning of the week. Now, I am on the road to recovery..yay.

Phea and I are in my room, bumming around. She's watching Youtube and I'm watching Netflix..old Paranormal State episodes. I'm also reading about Chinese foot binding.

 There's nothing much to talk about..my diet officially starts on Monday..and I will be going to the gym on Fridays, Saturday's and Sundays. I am determined to work on myself during this down time. I know I will succeed in it.

Anyway..that's about it.

Okay, I've returned..

New year, new beginnings. I am still in love with HIM. But now since we've been taking this hiatus, I find myself feeling a bit more strengthened. I miss him terribly still. He called me and he sensed that there was something wrong..

I played it off and said nothing, but he knows me that well. I've been struck down with the flu, so I guess I didn't sound so chipper. I swear..love is grand but when it doesn't go the way you want it to, it burns like acid over a gunshot wound. (Not that I've ever been shot or anything, but you get the point)

I just wonder why is it that everyone else's LDR works out, but mine? Not. I will be victorious in this, but I am going to make sure that I am ready for anything that comes my way. I am making sure that I am able to fix myself and take care of all the things I need to. For ME.

Poetry coming up soon.