25 November 2010
Random stuff..
Okay so I went to ACME with my daughter and it started to snow. I HATE snow. I feel like Elphaba (From 'Wicked)' when it comes down to that stuff. It's basically those big, sloppy flakes that don't stick..but seeing them totally brought my mood down. Winter in Philadelphia sucks. The city shuts down and everything moves so slowly. I swear..I'd move to a state like Miami if I had the body for it...lol. Of course everyone thinks I'm insane because I'd rather be on a beach in December. The thought just came to me..nothing profound today.
24 November 2010
Stand Alone (A One Woman Piece)
(Fade in on a lonely road..cold and grey..)
I am not seen as a thing of great beauty
And that’s okay.
My face wasn’t meant to launch a thousand ships.
Yet my body brings more bees to my flower..
And I strive to show more than this..
See..I may have exciting vibrations
That congregate about my hips..
And yeah, maybe there IS a little
Something intriguing about my lips
Particularly the way they sort of
Exude the energy that makes
Them think of kisses..
(Rain falling down a steamy window..pan over broken dishes on the floor)
Why is it that when you desire something
Or think that you have a grip..they pull away?
Leaving you wondering what has gone so
Terribly awry?
Why not speak the truth and get it over with?
Do you think I am going to go mad
And lunge after you with a rusty ice pick?
Please.
(Back to rain sliding down the window..sounds of wind rushing by)
Pain seems to be what motivates me..
See..it can be similar to a nagging feeling..
like a dull throb of a toothache,
Or the sting of when you bite the inside of
Your cheek..I relish it..and when the blood
Comes..it’s like a rush of pleasure..
Because it is the normalcy of it all
It brings depth to my measure..
I stand alone..
(Silence)
They take what they want, and they never
Want it again..go on..take everything
I want you to..because my head is like a
Hole..and when I seem to be the only one
Left on the ground..laying in my rightful
Place..they walk right around me..
(Close up on my lips turned down in agony..)
Pretend you never knew me,
and see me in your distant thoughts..
And you’ll probably forget about me..
I’ll be alone..
And that’s okay. You never had the balls
To admit your wrong doing..you never had the time
To let me know you didn’t mean a word you said..
(Wait..that's not part of the script!)
And if I have to walk this path until it cuts off
Abruptly..know that there are worlds other than this..
Other stages, other plays..other solo routines danced
By me..
And on one of those worlds..someone will desire me..
Enough to stay around for the final act,
Or
Give me a standing ovation..
Or
toss roses at my feet..
and even after the last
curtain falls..
The encore fanfare shall sound..
And I will be encapsulated
And bound
By the thing that I most yearn for..
Hearing his heart beating in unison
With mine..oh..how I’ll cherish
That hard to attain sound…
Until then, I stand alone.
(Lights cut off..total darkness..sound of heavy door slamming shut)
(Cut off broadcast)
(static)
(c) J.E. Nov 2010
I am not seen as a thing of great beauty
And that’s okay.
My face wasn’t meant to launch a thousand ships.
Yet my body brings more bees to my flower..
And I strive to show more than this..
See..I may have exciting vibrations
That congregate about my hips..
And yeah, maybe there IS a little
Something intriguing about my lips
Particularly the way they sort of
Exude the energy that makes
Them think of kisses..
(Rain falling down a steamy window..pan over broken dishes on the floor)
Why is it that when you desire something
Or think that you have a grip..they pull away?
Leaving you wondering what has gone so
Terribly awry?
Why not speak the truth and get it over with?
Do you think I am going to go mad
And lunge after you with a rusty ice pick?
Please.
(Back to rain sliding down the window..sounds of wind rushing by)
Pain seems to be what motivates me..
See..it can be similar to a nagging feeling..
like a dull throb of a toothache,
Or the sting of when you bite the inside of
Your cheek..I relish it..and when the blood
Comes..it’s like a rush of pleasure..
Because it is the normalcy of it all
It brings depth to my measure..
I stand alone..
(Silence)
They take what they want, and they never
Want it again..go on..take everything
I want you to..because my head is like a
Hole..and when I seem to be the only one
Left on the ground..laying in my rightful
Place..they walk right around me..
(Close up on my lips turned down in agony..)
Pretend you never knew me,
and see me in your distant thoughts..
And you’ll probably forget about me..
I’ll be alone..
And that’s okay. You never had the balls
To admit your wrong doing..you never had the time
To let me know you didn’t mean a word you said..
(Wait..that's not part of the script!)
And if I have to walk this path until it cuts off
Abruptly..know that there are worlds other than this..
Other stages, other plays..other solo routines danced
By me..
And on one of those worlds..someone will desire me..
Enough to stay around for the final act,
Or
Give me a standing ovation..
Or
toss roses at my feet..
and even after the last
curtain falls..
The encore fanfare shall sound..
And I will be encapsulated
And bound
By the thing that I most yearn for..
Hearing his heart beating in unison
With mine..oh..how I’ll cherish
That hard to attain sound…
Until then, I stand alone.
(Lights cut off..total darkness..sound of heavy door slamming shut)
(Cut off broadcast)
(static)
(c) J.E. Nov 2010
Help meeeee..I can't outrun these zits!!
Okay.. this is basically something that I've been struggling with for most of my life. I suffer from adult acne. I mean I get breakouts. Bad. It's to the point that I feel like I'm 15 years old again, dealing with this, rather than a 30 something woman with kids of her own. I know I have combination skin..and I do the whole washing and moisturising and etc..but to no avail.
I look at the infomercials on TV and there's always some sort of miraculous claim.."We guarantee that your face won't look like pita bread anymore after using this product!" Yeah, okay. Proactiv does NOT work for me. I don't even want to get into that whole black skincare this and that. My skin is terrible, I admit it. Every damn day I wake up with a new zit. I get the kind that's hard underneath your skin, and they hurt..you know when you bend over to pick something up, you feel your pulse in it? Yeah, those. It's sickening. But I did get some advice from some of my friends about Neutrogena Sore Pimple Gel..
I'm going to try it out. If anyone knows of anything else that can help, let me know.Wish me luck with this!
I look at the infomercials on TV and there's always some sort of miraculous claim.."We guarantee that your face won't look like pita bread anymore after using this product!" Yeah, okay. Proactiv does NOT work for me. I don't even want to get into that whole black skincare this and that. My skin is terrible, I admit it. Every damn day I wake up with a new zit. I get the kind that's hard underneath your skin, and they hurt..you know when you bend over to pick something up, you feel your pulse in it? Yeah, those. It's sickening. But I did get some advice from some of my friends about Neutrogena Sore Pimple Gel..
Crustation- Purple (J Dilla)
For those who don't know me, J Dilla is one of my favourite producers. This is one of my fave songs done by him.. I sorely miss his musical genius. R.I.P.
The Beginning- for J.
The Beginning
You took my heart with no warning
The first time I gazed upon your face
Looking at you through eyes glazed with finality
Knowing that this was the place where I
Belonged..giving me that smile of approval
Your glance drinking me in..and
Lingering over my every curve..I knew this
Was the first step to having my soul laid bare..
Lost, I was, wandering the earth yearning for that feeling
That ache within my spirit kept me kneeling,
until finally, there was you.
Can you see what my heart is signing to you in gestures of submittal?
My womb calls out to you, begging for your touch..and to combine genes
To create that seed of ancestries long lost..we came together with the sound of
Thunder..electric sparks race across my flesh..and I strain towards you..ignoring
The cries of my restraint..
Countless times
we blended
ourselves
into one another,
thrusting
gasping,
sighing,
moaning
Grasping…
..at nothing,
inhaling,
SCREAMING,
delving,
caressing..
looking deep into each others
eyes..
and there would no place else
For me to be,
living in your lap like Andre sang..
holding me firmly, reining me in like
A wild pony on the plains of forever..
you so strong and able to tame my nature
teaching me how to understand the simple things,
how to appreciate the little things
and respect and cherish the minute things..
being ever so patient and caring for me
listening to my
fussing and still
laughing with me
I can't stop thinking
about you making
Love to me..
Wanting you
deeper and deeper
inside of me
Feeling your desire
and
passion for me..do you
See all of these shivers
you send racing though me?
Like a hypnotist..making me shed tears of happiness,
learning you inside and out
Twisting to find my niche within you,
Writhing underneath you..
striving to please you
Do you know what you make me
want to do to you?
I want to wake up beside you
Until we are old,
teaching you the ways of my psyche..
feeling you breathing, cuddled up
Next to me..
You took my heart with no warning
The first time I gazed upon your face
Looking at you through eyes glazed with finality
Knowing that this was the place where I
Belonged..
You took my heart with no warning,
you did, and I ran..
I ran so far that I forgot how to stop..
but when I finally ground to a halt,
I turned myself around and then...
I crashed right into you.
(c) J.E. 2010
You took my heart with no warning
The first time I gazed upon your face
Looking at you through eyes glazed with finality
Knowing that this was the place where I
Belonged..giving me that smile of approval
Your glance drinking me in..and
Lingering over my every curve..I knew this
Was the first step to having my soul laid bare..
Lost, I was, wandering the earth yearning for that feeling
That ache within my spirit kept me kneeling,
until finally, there was you.
Can you see what my heart is signing to you in gestures of submittal?
My womb calls out to you, begging for your touch..and to combine genes
To create that seed of ancestries long lost..we came together with the sound of
Thunder..electric sparks race across my flesh..and I strain towards you..ignoring
The cries of my restraint..
Countless times
we blended
ourselves
into one another,
thrusting
gasping,
sighing,
moaning
Grasping…
..at nothing,
inhaling,
SCREAMING,
delving,
caressing..
looking deep into each others
eyes..
and there would no place else
For me to be,
living in your lap like Andre sang..
holding me firmly, reining me in like
A wild pony on the plains of forever..
you so strong and able to tame my nature
teaching me how to understand the simple things,
how to appreciate the little things
and respect and cherish the minute things..
being ever so patient and caring for me
listening to my
fussing and still
laughing with me
I can't stop thinking
about you making
Love to me..
Wanting you
deeper and deeper
inside of me
Feeling your desire
and
passion for me..do you
See all of these shivers
you send racing though me?
Like a hypnotist..making me shed tears of happiness,
learning you inside and out
Twisting to find my niche within you,
Writhing underneath you..
striving to please you
Do you know what you make me
want to do to you?
I want to wake up beside you
Until we are old,
teaching you the ways of my psyche..
feeling you breathing, cuddled up
Next to me..
You took my heart with no warning
The first time I gazed upon your face
Looking at you through eyes glazed with finality
Knowing that this was the place where I
Belonged..
You took my heart with no warning,
you did, and I ran..
I ran so far that I forgot how to stop..
but when I finally ground to a halt,
I turned myself around and then...
I crashed right into you.
(c) J.E. 2010
Broken Pt.2
Im tired of racing towards doors
That swing shut in my face..
Sick of crying out to the 4 winds
That leave me laying broken on
The ground with the slick stain
Of old tears drying on my beaten face..
I am a woman of substance who,
Like the leaves of birch trees
Sway and bend with the passing of
Scented strong breezes…and yet
I am left alone in a crowd of many.
They say that it’s not me, it’s them and I should
Really look and reevaluate my choice of men
And when I take a step back and use my discerning eye..
Trying to cut through and weed out those oh so
Common lies and being told that I am only liked
For the width and diameter of my thighs…and then I’m
Still bombarded with more insanity and more lies..
Put aside like a porcelain doll on the shelf..and you think
I should seek help about my mental health?
You think you can say what you wish and think I don’t matter..
And you telling me my laugh rivals angels and my eyes compete
with the stars in the sky over the brightness over which they scatter..
and that I’m gorgeous and other random bits of fluff..and inside my head
my nose turns up at this basic stuff..but still I’m leaning in..
my inner security guard is screaming..’Please! Are you serious?
It’s not really what you think..mark me, those words are tipped with
Poisonous barbs..and for all you know, he’s been studying Hallmark cards!’
Right.
I am who I am and I do have the right to be wanted and
Seen as someone special..because I see it within me..and no,
This verse is not a self righteous plea, or a sham of me
Hurting and trying to breathe, or me pretending that the pain isn’t
Slowly strangling me..and that the loneliness isn’t crushing and
Barricading me inside of my own abysmal sensibilities…
and is it all because of my so
Called naiveté?
Can it be? My going through these circles and rings of fire
Because I have dreams and unrequited carnal desires..and since
I am not considered ‘beautiful’ it’s okay to knock me about
And hone your skills as a liar?
Really?
And even if I wrote this verse with my breasts out it would make no
Difference..because still I’d be seen as the one who is of no consequence
Not looking for sympathy or words of consolation..no.
I’m just putting on more armor for the rest of my battle’s formations..
And in doing so I place my thoughts into my inner self for
Deeper rumination..
See..
I don’t have people praising me, or who I am, or my talent..
Nor do I have anyone saying that I am gifted..and yes this is my
lot in life and who’s to say that it’s not balanced?
I write because I have nothing else..and when I bleed all over
my paper and keyboard..my mouse and screen, and when I
Giggle silently at the people who look away because my face
Locked in the grimace of agony tends to lean towards the obscene..
(Oh, you can’t stand the sight of blood?)
And while my heart is gasping out its last bits of humanity..I still
Remain that woman who is made of nothing…who means nothing..
That lays in the middle of a rainy street …seen, but always considered
Less than a human being…
But at least I mean something to me..and to me, I am a queen..
Tattered and torn, cracked and bruised..ran over rough shod
And leaking at the seams..but I am still here..and even though I
Bleed..I am a woman..and stronger than I may seem..with tears
Running down my face, nakedly..with my cries crumbling the barriers
Of my inner caverns where I hide my pain..
I am a woman..who doesn’t ask for much, just to be able to breathe
Deeply and learn what it’s like to laugh again…
(c) J.E Nov 2010
That swing shut in my face..
Sick of crying out to the 4 winds
That leave me laying broken on
The ground with the slick stain
Of old tears drying on my beaten face..
I am a woman of substance who,
Like the leaves of birch trees
Sway and bend with the passing of
Scented strong breezes…and yet
I am left alone in a crowd of many.
They say that it’s not me, it’s them and I should
Really look and reevaluate my choice of men
And when I take a step back and use my discerning eye..
Trying to cut through and weed out those oh so
Common lies and being told that I am only liked
For the width and diameter of my thighs…and then I’m
Still bombarded with more insanity and more lies..
Put aside like a porcelain doll on the shelf..and you think
I should seek help about my mental health?
You think you can say what you wish and think I don’t matter..
And you telling me my laugh rivals angels and my eyes compete
with the stars in the sky over the brightness over which they scatter..
and that I’m gorgeous and other random bits of fluff..and inside my head
my nose turns up at this basic stuff..but still I’m leaning in..
my inner security guard is screaming..’Please! Are you serious?
It’s not really what you think..mark me, those words are tipped with
Poisonous barbs..and for all you know, he’s been studying Hallmark cards!’
Right.
I am who I am and I do have the right to be wanted and
Seen as someone special..because I see it within me..and no,
This verse is not a self righteous plea, or a sham of me
Hurting and trying to breathe, or me pretending that the pain isn’t
Slowly strangling me..and that the loneliness isn’t crushing and
Barricading me inside of my own abysmal sensibilities…
and is it all because of my so
Called naiveté?
Can it be? My going through these circles and rings of fire
Because I have dreams and unrequited carnal desires..and since
I am not considered ‘beautiful’ it’s okay to knock me about
And hone your skills as a liar?
Really?
And even if I wrote this verse with my breasts out it would make no
Difference..because still I’d be seen as the one who is of no consequence
Not looking for sympathy or words of consolation..no.
I’m just putting on more armor for the rest of my battle’s formations..
And in doing so I place my thoughts into my inner self for
Deeper rumination..
See..
I don’t have people praising me, or who I am, or my talent..
Nor do I have anyone saying that I am gifted..and yes this is my
lot in life and who’s to say that it’s not balanced?
I write because I have nothing else..and when I bleed all over
my paper and keyboard..my mouse and screen, and when I
Giggle silently at the people who look away because my face
Locked in the grimace of agony tends to lean towards the obscene..
(Oh, you can’t stand the sight of blood?)
And while my heart is gasping out its last bits of humanity..I still
Remain that woman who is made of nothing…who means nothing..
That lays in the middle of a rainy street …seen, but always considered
Less than a human being…
But at least I mean something to me..and to me, I am a queen..
Tattered and torn, cracked and bruised..ran over rough shod
And leaking at the seams..but I am still here..and even though I
Bleed..I am a woman..and stronger than I may seem..with tears
Running down my face, nakedly..with my cries crumbling the barriers
Of my inner caverns where I hide my pain..
I am a woman..who doesn’t ask for much, just to be able to breathe
Deeply and learn what it’s like to laugh again…
(c) J.E Nov 2010
Poetry Onslaught
"Who Am I?'
Why is it that my pain outweighs my pleasures?
And tears are the only precipitation I see?
Given that I am all woman I should be happier
Within me..
I tend to go inward..seeking comfort in my own
Head..and I dance alone to my own songs..
Singing along the roadways of my neurons..
Who am I?
I think of my people, and why I drift along
Here but not really, there but just barely..
And my cries go unheard.
They tend to get louder with time..and who
Even cares about me?
I’ve learned that the only one who gives a damn is me
And isn’t that how it should be? I can count on both hands
How much life has ruled against me..in succession..and my rants
Grew even more spririted..because I want what I want..
But who am I to get it?
But that all comes in the hell of being me..
Hell because it never ends..
Like trying to get marble to bend..
Hell because it hurts..like having your hands
Crushed into car doors repeatedly..
Hell like hearing malicious laughter
Roaring in by the thousands..
And for the life of me I can’t admit defeat..
For I may be lots of things, but a coward isn’t one
And I damn sure have never been weak..
Giving that I am noble in my steps..and I carry my pain
On my back by the ton..
i still stride on with
A goddess’s gait..
And I lean against the winds that try to hold me back..
Oh please..look at me, trying to wrestle with fate..
Screaming at the night sky with fire in my eyes
Hair flying in the aftermath of another destructive day
And no one hears my cries..
pain ripping at my guts
Bleedling profusely from the mouth
As I race for yet another door which
Promptly slams shut..
Raging inwardly because
It
Just
Isn’t
Fair
Exhausting from fighting demons
Ravenous for justice to prevail
Begging for a taste of happiness..
But getting choke slammed to the ground
Hearing my ancestors wail..
And after all that is said and done..
The land remains silent..
as far as the eye can see
and yet again, I left standing
alone..
Because, I need to know..who am I?
(c) J.E Nov 2010
And tears are the only precipitation I see?
Given that I am all woman I should be happier
Within me..
I tend to go inward..seeking comfort in my own
Head..and I dance alone to my own songs..
Singing along the roadways of my neurons..
Who am I?
I think of my people, and why I drift along
Here but not really, there but just barely..
And my cries go unheard.
They tend to get louder with time..and who
Even cares about me?
I’ve learned that the only one who gives a damn is me
And isn’t that how it should be? I can count on both hands
How much life has ruled against me..in succession..and my rants
Grew even more spririted..because I want what I want..
But who am I to get it?
But that all comes in the hell of being me..
Hell because it never ends..
Like trying to get marble to bend..
Hell because it hurts..like having your hands
Crushed into car doors repeatedly..
Hell like hearing malicious laughter
Roaring in by the thousands..
And for the life of me I can’t admit defeat..
For I may be lots of things, but a coward isn’t one
And I damn sure have never been weak..
Giving that I am noble in my steps..and I carry my pain
On my back by the ton..
i still stride on with
A goddess’s gait..
And I lean against the winds that try to hold me back..
Oh please..look at me, trying to wrestle with fate..
Screaming at the night sky with fire in my eyes
Hair flying in the aftermath of another destructive day
And no one hears my cries..
pain ripping at my guts
Bleedling profusely from the mouth
As I race for yet another door which
Promptly slams shut..
Raging inwardly because
It
Just
Isn’t
Fair
Exhausting from fighting demons
Ravenous for justice to prevail
Begging for a taste of happiness..
But getting choke slammed to the ground
Hearing my ancestors wail..
And after all that is said and done..
The land remains silent..
as far as the eye can see
and yet again, I left standing
alone..
Because, I need to know..who am I?
(c) J.E Nov 2010
First post..don't expect too much..
Okay, so I figured I'd give this blogging thing a shot. I'm just here to post my thoughts and writing. I already know this is going to be totally sporadic until I train myself to do it, but bear with me. It's going to be an interesting ride.
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