Aoi kun feels the same way I do today...

Aoi, via Twitter, 1 hour ago:

"At this hour, being alone makes me wanna cry and I'd like to rely on someone else. That's why I hate being alone. Writing these things.. it only seems that I'm seeking attention and I hate that too, but I'm not the type of person that can restrain himself and in the end I write. For this reason I always behave coolheaded and I play around. I have even that. I hate when I became annoying. In the end.. I end up avoiding the first recording day."

 Anyone who knows me (not many, nyuk nyuk)  knows that I love this man. I think I shall explain this later on. It struck me because he totally said what I was feeling to the nth degree. Being alone sucks..but what sucks worse to me at least, is the fact that it sucks and you really don't care either way. Like, I don't even feel like being around people but...I don't want to be alone. I know..I am SUCH a walking contradiction..

The Art of Being Alone

I am a loner by nature. I know that's not common but it's what I am. I walk alone, I go to dinner alone, I travel alone. I think it's because I am so used to myself that I prefer to be by myself. It's like, I walk in a separate reality from others. I view things differently and I have so many conversations with myself.

So, yes, I am depressed. I am a depressed person and I have been since a child. I think it's because of the way I was treated growing up. You see, I have always been told I was an ugly child, and that followed me to my adult hood. People always (my own people at that) told me I was ugly. Boys never wanted to date me, and to this day, men don't like me either. I have a warped view of myself. I don't see me as a desirable person, so I figured maybe if I lost a lot of weight, I would feel better about myself. Not to prove a point to anyone, but just to see if I could start to like myself a bit more.

 I grew to see and understand that people hurt you so I learned to stay away. You have to be someone very special in order to get close to me. I understand that not everyone is out to attack you, but at the same time, better safe than sorry.

I do get lonely though. I go through periods of feeling totally ugly and not fit to be viewed by others. I also wish I weren't me sometimes. Other days I feel that I am fair. It's all about self perception but I don't think I am pretty at all. No matter. I don't think I'll care tomorrow. Right now, I am just lonely and...I still don't get how one can be so lonely but still not want to be bothered with anyone. Mostly it's please leave me alone and all in my self righteous anger and annoyed inner feelings. But that's just me and my weirdness. I don't post about it on Facebook because I don't want to seem to be a whiny person. I keep it all inside. No one cares either way.

Today I couldn't get out of bed. I can be honest and say that. I looked in the mirror and wanted to vomit. I did force myself out to the library. I felt like a rat scurrying to and from my hole. I'm also writing in a stiff fashion. I can always tell when I am going through a mental hiccup.Tomorrow will be better, or maybe it won't.