Requiem

I am so ready for love, but love’s not ready for me,
I wander through this life trying to realise
what is so wrong with me,
is it my soul?
What have I done to deserve this?
I think of the ways that I have been uplifted thinking that this..
this..
was the portal to the place where
I would finally feel that warm feeling..
where is my place?
I can only love him from afar.
and wish that I had him to take me.
take me..
take me,
hold me close,
and fill me with the absolute joy of compassion..
yet I’m so powerless..
and there’s nothing I can do..
I picked myself up,
brushed my shoulders off and I continue my journey,
tears that refuse to fall sear my eyes like second hand smoke..
I can’t help that I love..
I can’t help that I yearn..
and my verses mean nothing,
its like banging my head on a brick wall..
looking at my own blood smeared on the surface,
and he doesn’t hear me!
And my feelings are turning to poison,
slowly choking me, taunting me..
saying “You’re worthless..”
my bed is so cold, and my arms are empty,
waking up to sterile nothingness,
wishing that I had the feel of his hand on my thigh..
and I walk alone once again…
my misery is unnoticed,
why should he care?
Why should I even bother reaching out for him?
(he doesn’t want you)
my spirit whispers.. whispers in my ears and echoes
down the dark lonely tunnel which is my future…
I am so ready for love,
but love’s not ready for me..
the way that I inhaled him,
the way our insides lit up every time we touched..
means nothing,
and I will walk alone forever..
pretending that this love doesn’t exist.
.moving on in silence.
I swallowed my pride and laid open my heart..
to no avail…for me, it’s winter all the time,..
for me, its raining, for me,
no love…
time to carry on right?
Time to continue living..
and love him from a distance..
The more I think of him the more I want to call.
but I can’t..because
its not my place anymore.
The sound of his voice is tattooed on my heart,
his smile is branded behind my eyelids.
and even though he’s not with me,
I am with him.,
even if he doesn’t feel my presence..
when things went wrong I imagined it wasn’t real..
what a fine line between this and that..
and even though he is the closest to me,
he’s still so distant..
why does the one that is the closest to you,
always seem to hold you the furthest away?
Yet I still want to see tomorrow with him..
a tiny taste of hypocrisy, because I fake it so well..
I pretend that I’m where I used to be,
so the dull ache will dissipate..
keeping everything inside..
I put on my mask, yet I wind up alone again..
waking up in the middle of the night alone again,
crying by myself.. alone again,
masturbating slowly, alone again..
wiping my own tears, alone again.
I am so ready for love,
yet love’s not ready for me.
I have chosen to take as much as I could stand,
and I can’t seem to enjoy the night like I used to..
tried to tell him about the state I’m in..
my bubble burst,..
and I miss the way we were..
damn..
those good feelings come back to haunt me,
and I want to crawl into his arms and ask him
to please take some of my pain away
because..
sometimes I need to be touched,
I miss being touched
but.. I am a soldier.. I lace up my iron corset
and
shoulder my feelings like a automatic Kalashnikov..
facing the setting sun,
marching on to the forest of eternal night.
swallowing my emotions
and setting my jaw into that steady line…
Oh God, I am so ready for love
but..
love’s just not ready for me…

(c) J.E. 2010