Bittersweet day..

Today was a day of random tears and deep musings. I talked to the...wait..let me start from the beginning.

I am so used to having doors slammed in my face, or better yet, life being shut down indefinitely. I am just that sort. A good person who constantly has bad things happen to them. I should be used to it but I'm not. I met this man, you see, and he is everything that I ever wanted in my life..he thinks I'm beautiful, flaws and all. Same likes, same common connection, he makes me laugh, and when I am with him, the world seems to shrink to just us two. I found myself not worrying about the other stuff that life tosses at me. All I saw was him and the way he made me feel. I love being in his presence...but..the thing is, he lives 2 states away. And my stupid ass had to go and fall in love with him.

Things were great in the beginning..I'd go see him every other weekend, we'd have great fun together..just he and I..watching obscure movies and English football, drinking, laughing, kissing and laying down on his futon. He made me glow from within like a black light. Nothing mattered. When I had to go home, I would feel so down..like the air was being sucked out of me. Anyway, things worked. We missed each other, and we talked everyday, at work, at home, on the off weekends..then it changed.

He told me that he wanted me to be there everyday, he needed someone local. That burned me. I mean I really thought we were okay, like we were working to be together in the same state. I would move there or vice versa. I couldn't stop thinking about him..his touch, his laugh..I knew that one day I wanted to marry him. But yeah, that's what it was. Well, that is what it is. He's frustrated, I know this. I'm frustrated too..but why does it seem like whenever I get something that I like, or fits me, something bad happens?

Sorry, crying break.

So anyway..I used to tell him that if he didn't want me he was free to go. He never took that. Today he said that he wanted to take a step back. I understood that. But why does it seem to work for others and not me? He said I was amazing and etc..but I still feel terrible. I told him that many times, like seriously. I meant every word. I know that he is for me, and deep down I know he knows it too. I know the frustration can make a person not see clearly, but I am not going to beg him. Because that isn't me. I shall take that step back but it tears me apart to know that I can't be where he is. I am so good at hurting. I swear I am. When he first told me that I was beautiful, I was shocked. I mean..well..I haven't been told that many times before so it was a bit of a dash of cold water to me. I dreamed of a man like him..steadfast, loyaly, family values..respect..and yet..here I sit. What to do?

I never thought I would meet anyone who fit me like he does. I doubt that I ever will again. Why can't this be easier for me? I am sick of being lonely..and I thought that if love was to make people stick together..why can't it work for us? Now I am here again, alone. And all because of 2 fucking states between me and the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with.




Say it's the same sun spinning in the same sky
Say it's the same stars streaming in the same night
Tell me it's the same world whirling through the same space
Tell me it's the same time tripping through the same day
So say it's the same house and nothing in the house has changed
Yeah say it's the same room and nothing in the room is strange
Oh tell me it's the same boy burning in the same bed
Tell me it's the same blood breaking in the same head
Say it's the same taste taking down the same kiss
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it's always been like this
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it always and forever is
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it's always been like this
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you and it always and forever is
Say it's the same you
Say it's the same you
Yeah tell me it's all the same
This is how it's always been
But if nothing has changed...
Then it must mean...
But the sun is cold - the sky is wrong
The stars are black - the night is gone
The world is still - the space is stopped
The time is out - the day is dropped
The house is dark - the room is scarred
The boy is stiff - the bed is hard
The blood is thick - the head is burst
The taste is dry - the kiss is thirst
And it's not the same you
It's not the same you
No it never was like this
It's not the same you
It's not the same you and it never really is
It's not the same you
It's not the same you
No it never was like this
It's not the same you
It's not the same you and it never really is
It's not the same you
It's not the same you
Oh it's not the same
This isn't how it's always been
Everything has to have changed...
Or it's me...