Another day

Well this is day 2. I'm doing a bit better..I cried some more today..went to the market and tried to act like my heart isn't full of cracks. I didn't hear from him today, but I said I would stand firm and not call or text him. My Taurus pride can be a monster sometimes. I talked to Michelle today and she's going through the same thing, only she's sick of being alone. We talked a bit, I vented, and she basically told me to hold on. He will come around.

As I sat in the car talking on the phone, some birds flew overhead and a whole bunch of feathers fell down in front of me. I told Michelle about it and she said that it really meant that I was on the right path. According to Native American theory, the feathers are for peace and justice. Things are going to work out. Ma'at showed me today with those feathers too. Divine peace and justice..and I think my spirit guides were comforting me.

 I am going to be okay. I just miss him so much. Part of me wants to approach him but I can't. I don't want to annoy him or anything. Last thing he needs is a performance from me. Listening to myself has been a bit easier, partially because I'm actually sitting still. It's just that when I think of him, the pain starts to grow, and the tears being to sting the back of my eyes..then the overflow comes.

I found that when I don't think about anything, he creeps into the dark places where I thought I was safe. I can't look at his pictures because I feel as if my heart will explode. I think I got beyond comfortable..but who wouldn't? I don't want his money, I don't want anything from him but his time. I remember when we went to the museum, and how much fun we had..sitting there staring at his profile as he plays video games, watching him sleep..

Oh dear..here comes the water..

I wonder if he thinks of me the way I do him. He said he got angry when I said I wanted to see him..because of the money thing. Then the whole location thing came up..but I just stepped back. I am going to mute myself. I know if I don't I'll say something terrible because of my innate need to defend myself and my heart. I don't want to push him away..but I think being quiet will help me because I need to regroup. I can't eat. I don't want anything to eat at all. I just want to be happy again, like it was before. I'd be on my way home now from his house if things were normal. Right now, I just want to get drunk and curl up into a ball and sleep. But wouldn't that be the cowardly way? I have to take all this pain as I've taken it before. Hard and to the face. Pain is all I know. Happiness is a rare thing for me. I've tasted it and found it good. How does life dare come around and slap it out of my hand?

 I know he will never read this, but I need to say it. I love him. That's just how it is. Maybe it means something, maybe it doesn't..but I know what I feel in my soul.