Hodge podge

Last night my daughter and I went to the gym. We walk there and back, which is probably a mile and a half both ways. I really love our walks, because we talk about things, laugh and reflect on what we love and hate together. She's funny. She said that I objectify men, and I do sometimes. She knows me so well, that kid.

Anyway, we go to the gym and do our work out. Nothing major, just us lifting weights and so on. No cardio because I really didn't feel like it..plus we walked a bit more on our way back. I was thinking seriously that there needs to be more hours in the day, partially because I have so much to do. I have to really get back into my spiritual work, because there are so many points that I am missing.

My clothes are fitting a bit looser now, which was the whole point of it. I'm working so hard because I want to be able to cut costs on my surgery in the next year or two. I'm SO getting an overhaul on this body of mine. I refuse to go to Japan like THIS.

Sitting here at work and contemplating life..and wondering about this funding site I found so I can get assistance with my dental work. It's really a lot of money that I have to pay! I'm going this route because I really want to save my teeth. I think I'll write about that experience in another post. I'll be back and forth because my thoughts come so rapidly now..and I want to work on this blog and make it a space where it's all me.

It's actually cold outside..and it's going to rain, but the gym calls me.


Sexy man of the day...Atsushi Sakurai of the band BUCK-TICK. He's a bit older now at 47 years old, but he is STILL fine.

Untitled

I dreamed about you again last night
how you looked as you were walking towards me
hair fluttering in the wind..
I saw you see me as I see myself
looking into myself..
I found myself tracing your veins with
my eyes and searching for my place within you..

..you walked past me, preoccupied with other things
falling into the adoration of others
listening to your name being screamed out
from the many throats of those who are not me..

I looked for the horizon in the space that you once inhabited
feeling the breeze as you passed me by..
turning in slow motion as I realized that you never saw me
and understanding that..
it was just my desire being played out across the miles that now
and always have distanced me from you..

Disjointed ramblings..

Nothing fancy today..just awake and sitting here musing. Lately, and by lately I mean in the last few weeks, I have been doing a bit better. Working out, losing weight, freaking out because my weight is fluctuating up and down because I'm working out..it's weird. But I am doing lots better than I was before.

Maybe that's the reason for this post. My true feelings are that I am taking on so much, but it's not as bad as it could be. I'm learning Japanese because I am going to move there to teach English, but it's like climbing a very large tree. Branches get in the way, and then on top of that, it rains and the bark becomes slippery. I don't think I'm that good at metaphors..heh. Anyway, I am going to win. All my life I've failed and I am done with it.


So I was telling my sister that I want to write a poem. I haven't done it yet because my thoughts are not together. I don't even know what I want to write about. I've not been depressed, so I don't want to write about that..and I am not in love so nothing's coming from that. I was thinking that I want to publish my poems..and I think I still will do it. My sister says...do it. Of course she would say that..she is one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Great..something else added to the plate.

So let's see:

Guitar lessons
Japanese lessons
Voice lessons
Math tutoring
Work
Working out
Publishing poetry and writing poems for it

Then when I pass my entrance test to get back into university:

Japanese language
English 103
Pre requisites

I think that me taking so much on is making me feel like I have a purpose. I swear..it's going to get better. I know it is. I am healthy, I am losing weight..and I have a couple of good friends in my corner. I am good. Determination is good. Life is good.


Oh..sexy man of the day:

Yes. Kyo of Dir en grey. I think I may do this each post. It sure makes me feel better!

Okay, I'm back.

I know I keep saying this, but I am back. I want to talk about a myriad of things, but I think that I'll break them down into different posts. Today we are going to talk about what my sister says is writing for therapy. I am a writer. No, I am not published, nor am I aspiring to write the next great novel, but I write for my sanity. I feel that I have a passion for words and it's something that helps me through the rough times.

From this point on, I am going to write about everything..no matter how insipid and corny, no matter how whiny and self centered, or just plain boring they may be. I feel that I have things to say..and I am going to say them. I don't mind exposing my insides. At least I can do so and not feel like I'm being judged.

I hope that people will find a similar feeling when reading what I am saying..and even though I am writing for me, I suppose this is a way of saying that if anyone can understand what I say and the feelings that I'm speaking about, feel free to comment. This is about a strange-ling..who has these fits of emotion that are very, very different. So, let's begin the journey, yes?

Aoi kun feels the same way I do today...

Aoi, via Twitter, 1 hour ago:

"At this hour, being alone makes me wanna cry and I'd like to rely on someone else. That's why I hate being alone. Writing these things.. it only seems that I'm seeking attention and I hate that too, but I'm not the type of person that can restrain himself and in the end I write. For this reason I always behave coolheaded and I play around. I have even that. I hate when I became annoying. In the end.. I end up avoiding the first recording day."

 Anyone who knows me (not many, nyuk nyuk)  knows that I love this man. I think I shall explain this later on. It struck me because he totally said what I was feeling to the nth degree. Being alone sucks..but what sucks worse to me at least, is the fact that it sucks and you really don't care either way. Like, I don't even feel like being around people but...I don't want to be alone. I know..I am SUCH a walking contradiction..

The Art of Being Alone

I am a loner by nature. I know that's not common but it's what I am. I walk alone, I go to dinner alone, I travel alone. I think it's because I am so used to myself that I prefer to be by myself. It's like, I walk in a separate reality from others. I view things differently and I have so many conversations with myself.

So, yes, I am depressed. I am a depressed person and I have been since a child. I think it's because of the way I was treated growing up. You see, I have always been told I was an ugly child, and that followed me to my adult hood. People always (my own people at that) told me I was ugly. Boys never wanted to date me, and to this day, men don't like me either. I have a warped view of myself. I don't see me as a desirable person, so I figured maybe if I lost a lot of weight, I would feel better about myself. Not to prove a point to anyone, but just to see if I could start to like myself a bit more.

 I grew to see and understand that people hurt you so I learned to stay away. You have to be someone very special in order to get close to me. I understand that not everyone is out to attack you, but at the same time, better safe than sorry.

I do get lonely though. I go through periods of feeling totally ugly and not fit to be viewed by others. I also wish I weren't me sometimes. Other days I feel that I am fair. It's all about self perception but I don't think I am pretty at all. No matter. I don't think I'll care tomorrow. Right now, I am just lonely and...I still don't get how one can be so lonely but still not want to be bothered with anyone. Mostly it's please leave me alone and all in my self righteous anger and annoyed inner feelings. But that's just me and my weirdness. I don't post about it on Facebook because I don't want to seem to be a whiny person. I keep it all inside. No one cares either way.

Today I couldn't get out of bed. I can be honest and say that. I looked in the mirror and wanted to vomit. I did force myself out to the library. I felt like a rat scurrying to and from my hole. I'm also writing in a stiff fashion. I can always tell when I am going through a mental hiccup.Tomorrow will be better, or maybe it won't.

Let's talk Miyavi

This is my section that I call "J Rock Infected." Those who know me, know that I have a passion for Japan and Japanese music. My tastes run from J rock, to J hip hop, and my all time favorite, Visual Kei!

I wanted to get into Miyavi.

Miyavi is really Takamasa Ishihara (石原 貴雅 Ishihara Takamasa, born September 14, 1981) who is a Japanese visual kei musician. His work as guitarist for Due le Quartz and his successful solo career has really established him as an accomplished musician in the Japanese music scene. Miyavi calls himself the "Samurai Guitarist." His playing style is unique, as he does all sorts of tricks and slap picking on top of his jumping about and smiling as he plays.His mother is Japanese and his father is Korean. He is also 6'1. He came to the US to learn English and is married and has two daughters.He currently resides in Japan. 

(Yeah, I have a slight crush on him..I know..hush.) Right now he is touring and comes to the States regularly. 

A few more pictures of him and two videos:"Selfish Love" and "Survive" which are my favorite songs of his..oh, and "Torture." Enjoy.

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of "J Rock Infected!" Sayonara!

Tooth pain and presents!

Okay, so my tooth has been killing me for months now. I just got health insurance and I dashed off to the dentist. Come to find out, I had an infected gum. I was put on antibiotics and pain meds. Good news is, I get to keep all of my teeth. I am so happy about that. Imagine me, with dentures. I mean I would love to have had veneers but there is nothing like having your own teeth. I go back next week.

I don't understand how I can work for so long and not have health insurance. I had to be damn near destitute in order for me to even be able to get assistance..and I find that to be totally wrong on all levels. I worked and got nothing for it. I swear, I am going to leave this country. I am Japan bound.

I got some lovely presents from my sister. I got some stuff for my teeth and some cream for my knees.The teeth cleaning concoction tasted really good, all natural. I used it as soon as I got it and I was totally impressed. It's called Natura Dentizime I really enjoyed the taste of it, and it foamed a bit as I was brushing too. I will be using it daily in my oral care regimen.

The cream for my knees is called Arnicare. I've not used it yet but I know she wouldn't steer me wrong. I do a lot of walking and will be going back to the gym soon so it came right on time!

She sent me howlite for helping with my insomnia, and ametrine for keeping depression and negative energies away too. Cleaning them now in salt water and the charging comes after. I promise I'll be more interesting next post!

 About to listen to some J rock music..yes!

It's been awhile..

Well, things have been mighty different these last few months. I haven't been writing for a while because of my writer's block and other things. I said I was going to make it a point to write as much as I can every day, because I've become right lazy. So for the past few months I have been working on my fitness. I have always been curvy, but I want to make sure I have myself in hand before the old age hits me. I walk 2-6 miles a day and try to eat better. I really think that when I get myself together, I will be healthier and also happier.

So I am looking for a new job, because my old one wasn't the best of places to work. I think that I am going to just focus on getting myself together with this school thing. I am determined to see it through.

I'm back..and here to stay.

I've realized that I have so much inside of me that needs to come out. I never poured my heart out on a blog..but here goes. I am a pro dumpee. Meaning that I get dumped professionally..well, on a professional level. That's not to say that I am a wretched person. No. I am just not good with men. Men don't seem to want to BE with me. I don't know what it is.As soon as I mention commitment..it's the sound of screeching tires. I often wonder what is so wrong with me..why I can't seem to have a loving relationship..and if I'm going to die alone. I'm 38. I've never been married, nor been asked. Spinster..that I am.

I think it's just the nature of the beast. The man I want doesn't want a commitment..but was more than happy enough to pretend. I look at myself and wonder what is so wrong with me. I used to think that maybe it wasn't meant for me to be happy. Life can be a cruel joke, can't it? I'm so good at crying. I really am..