Poker face

I'm here in my truck trying hard not to buy a pack of cigarettes. I'm plowing through the days and hoping for better ones. I'm lonely and I'm so trying not to think of another new years eve alone..but it looks like that's whats going to happen. Ah well..life goes on, I guess.

Blank

I wish I had sleeping pills..

Pain

Yesterday was painful. My niece got engaged on Xmas day. I'm happy for her but my heart cringed. I'm not going to get into it. Congrats to everyone who was with their significant others today and those who got proposed to. It must be nice to have that feeling of contentment.

I was home with my children. We ate. We hung out. I kept my game face on though. So yeah. I'm just going to fade out. I feel like my soul is bleeding.

Untitled

This is for the girls who cried when their hearts broke, who staggered underneath the weight of Stygian darkness, who stood firm even when their heads told them to flee..who remembered long dead winters of being abandoned and left to weep fresh tears of blood..

This is for the girls who prayed for love,only to have it yanked forcefully away from them in demonic spurts of  strength..who flinched back from the gales of gigantic laughter, gnashing their teeth and shrieking to the ethers for blissful relief..

This is for the girl who cries in her head everytime she thinks of that long road of unabashed loneliness..that stretches out in front of her for miles as she staggers footsore and broken, into a myriad of mosaic molecules shining brightly in her exquisite pain..

This is for the girl who never deserved to be hurt as many times as she did, who shudders in the dark when she thinks of all that was lost, who wanders in confusion, scared to speak because she never wanted to look desperate, or not know what to say, and with all that clouding her mind, walks away because she's tired of having to hold her tongue..



(to be continued)

Um..so, yeah..

I'm in bed. It's 9:57 pm. Very long day..but he called me and for that I'm elated. Very simple conversation, but I'm grateful for it. Room cleaned, well the floor is. He's not coming for Xmas..*sigh* I'll just mail his present to him. I'm reading and laying here listening to big band music and with a belly full of pie. January starts my workouts. I'm ready.

I got big feet. So what?

Yeah so I got big feet. I wear a size 10 wide. I blame my father. He had broad African feet. Thank the goddesses and gods for Torrid..wow I'm drunk, I'll fix this later..

I'm drunk and I don't care

I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm drunk right now and I can't sleep. I'm sitting here thinking about how much I love my kids. My sons and my daughter are so cool even when I'm not at my best. They rock. I spent time with Carlton tonight and he's so brilliant. I hung with Bam Bam and it was awesome. It's easy to forget your issues when you have cool children to alleviate some stress.

Yeah so, my house is haunted. I've got a house full of ghosts. Carlton and I talked about it. We have lots of spirits in this house. Phea sleeps with me because her room is full of activity. It's sort of cool though, except when you aren't expecting it.Beds shake, shadow people, perfume scents,full body apparitions,cold spots, walking in cobwebs, the works. My family has generational powers. I'm thinking we are just sensitive.

Wow, I'm drunk. I think I gotta pee. I'm sweating now..damn.

Anyway, I'm going to the gym starting in January. I need to work out and eat better. For my birthday I'm going to be a sexy momma. Am I rambling? Yeah I think I am.

I'm NOT talking to him this weekend. I'm going to be silent. Tired of men treating me like I'm nothing. I'm tired of loving and not having it reciprocated. This is just how it is. I'm hot. Riesling has me sweaty.Yayyyyyy wine.Yayyyyy a day without tears. Yayyyy Orishas. Shoutout to David and Hector. Shout out to Ochun. Marefun Ochun! Shoutout to Ellegua.Marefun Ellegua! Things will workout for me. Ache' and aiyebobo!

Can't sleep..the sequel.

I'm trying here. It's not as easy as I thought it would be..I mean I find myself reaching out to him like we are the same. I wonder how that works. I mean I feel like an idiot wanting to scream and kick. And I feel lonely as hell. Lonelier now, seems like. I don't know what to do. It's like I have no one to turn to..

Why is it so easy for people to walk away from me?

I'm laying in bed, trying not to think about him. Why is it so hard? David said that this is my test. I know it is. I've not cried today, well just a bit. But earlier I couldn't catch my breath.I came home and felt so sore, like I was in a cage match..but that's all psychological. I wish I could tell him that I love him and how much I miss his touch. I want to tell him to give it a chance but..

Why am I even bothering writing? I wish he was here..him holding me while we sleep, him pulling me to him when I get too hot in his sleep..I even miss that loud trumpety snore when he's had too much to drink. *sigh*

Why am I doing this to myself?

Anyway, I'm going to try to sleep. Wish me luck.

_Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game. (with lyrics)

Amy Winehouse - 'Tears Dry On Their Own'