I can't sleep..

Basically I can't sleep because the silence is scary. I know I've been sleeping just fine not too long ago, but not talking to him all day has my head in a damned fog. I shouldn't be dependent, but I don't think I am really. I gave in and sent him a text saying hello..he said that he had a toothache and was resting..why did that send me over the moon? Him responding to me? WTF?

My patience has never been the best. I miss his touch..I miss his loud snoring, and even him being annoyingly loud. He can be SO loud for no reason sometimes..I need to stop blathering on about him but I can't...because I'm in....

 I know, I couldn't resist that one. I think at my age I need to really evaluate my feelings but I already know what I want. I know who I want to be with. I just want to have things the way I want it even though I know that really isn't how life works. Rationally I am okay. I just miss him. Terribly. Is he thinking of me?

I sat here tonight and watched ghost hunts and things. My mind kept wandering over to him. I am still thinking about those feathers. I know things will turn out okay. I am going to watch this rerun of SNL and then go to bed. Monday's suck, and I am totally not ready for it. Look, I hate my job,but I am going to do what it takes to excel at it so I can move to a better role and better pay. I was thinking that maybe when things get better, I can plan for the future the right way.

I walked today and looked at the sky, felt the rain on my face, and breathed in the cool air..and my heart remained heavy. My heart is in Maryland. It is. I just wish I could tell him how I really feel. This step back..this is the second time we've done this. It was all him. His fears. He said I was forcing the issue..like I've been forcing it to be over. Every time he said he wanted to slow down, I've said well let's end it. A step back. Again.

 But as I said before..I won't allow myself to be tossed away. I'll leave first before I let that happen. Tasha said that I would push him away by doing that. I've since calmed down. I can respect his feelings. I cannot walk away. I just can't.