Snow Day

Today it's snowing. I have mixed feelings about snow..I have a love hate relationship with it. I love when it's snowing and I can stay home..and on the other hand, I hate having to get up and go out in it. I totally can see the reasoning behind winter depression. I swear when I hear it's going to snow, I want to cry. Going to the gym is going to suck, partially because of the weather. I was going to try running but do I really want to break a femur on the ice? I think not.

Anyway, nothing profound today. I've lost 32 pounds, and upped my workouts. The only issue is that lately I've been wanting french fries..and not the skinny ones. I want steak fries! Does that mean that I'm lacking carbs? I was reading about carb intake and I found that carbs aren't as bad as they say they are. I suppose in moderation. I'm going to try making sweet potato fries. I'll post on how that goes later.

 My Japanese is getting along, and I am about to start classes in the spring at Community College. I can't wait for that. I want to apologise for the lack of posts. Blame my boring life for that.

Snow-

=雪

=ゆき

Japanese kanji. I think I'll incorporate it into my blogs in order to assist me in learning. 

じゃあまたね

Homicidal Thoughts and Sadness Pt. 2

So..to continue from last night...my brother in law basically is trying to rob my mother, who is 80 years old blind. He took over management of our old house in South Philadelphia and hasn't paid the taxes on the property in three years. He collects rents from the house and gives her nothing. He then tried to put HIS daughter on MY mother's insurance policy..I am totally going to sue him for this. I mean really, who does that? And you call yourself a Christian man? This is EXACTLY why I steer clear of them.

Basically he's a crook. I am going to the Senior Law Center TODAY to get legal assistance. This is financial exploitation. My mother isn't going blameless though. As soon as she found out that he was trying to rip her off, she should have gotten legal help. Now I am the one who has to do that for her. Me, the black sheep of the family who would never amount to a thing. The case is, I am the youngest but my older siblings don't give a shit about her. Not one solitary shit.

So now that has been added to my plate. I was so angry yesterday that I was in tears. My first thought was to rip his urethra out through his left nostril. My daughter literally had to walk me around the block and tell me that I have to calm down and think practically. Then she made me go to the gym and work out. It's like, why do you have to go through life being such a leech? That house, I grew up in. My kids grew up there..and I am going to lose it because of a lying, cretinous asshole who doesn't care about anything but himself? I think not. There some things that are going to happen. Believe me.

I promised that I would write more in order to sort my thoughts out. My sister text me last night to remind me..and here we are.

Anyway, that's it for now. Let's see..who is my hot man of the day going to be? Oh.. J. the bassist of the band LUNA-SEA.

また後で。(See you later.)

Homicidal thoughts and sadness

This is going to be a short post because I'm doing this on my iPad. I'm trying not to seethe too much because of my anger issues...okay so...


My brother in law is trying to rip my mother off. He's trying to rob her blind but I am not having any of it..I'm just getting started. He has no idea of what he's done.  I wanted to kill him first off. I'll detail it more in another post. What with all of the trouble I've been going through...this tore the lid off.

I went to the gym in order to work off some of the built up steam...but I found myself still grinding my teeth.

I also found out my vamp mother may have passed away..I feel so wretchedly melancholic right now. I'm going to read and try to get my mind right.


おやすみなさい。(good night)

Food

Skies are grey today. Thinking about food. Food..good food. I don't really know what I want to eat because I am always counting calories. I went walking last night and did 7 miles..so basically I burned things off. I really want crab cakes though.

I find myself really counting these calories because I know that I can be a bit free with them..and knowing how much I work out can be a bit of an imbalance. I'm wondering what to eat like there's a food shortage in this town!

Yeah, I tend to ramble when I'm hungry.

Friday..

Okay so, nothing major to report. I have been looking into a rhinoplasty surgeon and I think I found the one I am happy with. He's in New Jersey and does the actual procedure in NYC. I don't think I am going to get the procedure done until 2015 though. I found him and I like his work. I am also going to follow up with the plastic surgeon in Mexico.

Wait.. I haven't even talked about any of this.

Well, I have decided that I want to get rhinoplasty because I think I will look better with it. I have had people telling me not to do it and so on, but you know us Taurean folk. Head strong and stubborn. I want a different nose that will make me feel better and look better. That coupled with the extensive other surgeries I am getting..this lady is getting a major overhaul. I feel that it's time for me to take charge and fix the things I don't like. I work out and eat right, but I still have some bits that need altering. I want to be in a place where I am happy and confident and I feel that doing this is going to help me. I think that maybe deep down inside, I have always wanted to do this and now I've finally gotten the courage to do so.

I  have a bit of preparation to start on, but I AM going to get there.

Picking up pieces

"I don't believe in love, because it doesn't believe in me."

I said that a few years ago. Now I am not so sure. I look at my friends who have relationships, and I get a twinge in my chest. I don't know if that's from me being so used to being an ice queen and I'm finally thawing, or is it because I'm scared that I'm going to die alone in a house full of cats. Either way, it's something that I've been pondering.

Part of me wants to be totally honest here, but then something says no. But then it's like who cares? It's not like anyone is going to read this anyway.

Okay so..I've always suffered from low self esteem. At the hands of my family, my own mother, people at school, etc, I have been a victim of bullying. I was told that I was ugly so many times that I started to believe it, so I stopped caring about myself. I felt that I was doomed and that I didn't deserve to live because I was so hideous.

And so it goes. I saw a picture on Facebook of a friend of mine who got married to a Japanese man. I said to myself..there is hope for me. All my life I've been told that there was something wrong with me..so that gave me a lot of hope.

It's a well known fact that I am partial to Japanese men. Okay, there it is. My thing is, because of my "ethnic" features, I have been told all of my life that I was unattractive. So there you have it. On the table. My "thing." It's funny that things you were told during your childhood stays with you up until your adult years. I feel that it's important to understand that words do carry energy and they do hurt. That sticks and stones thing is a bunch of poop. But it's okay..because I'm going to fix it.

I suppose now I start over and pick up the pieces that I lost of myself. I am going to move forward and never quit. I have goals that I need to achieve. I thank all the people who encouraged me to keep going. You know who you are.

So..onward! 行きましょう! (Ikemashou!=Let's go!)

Hodge podge

Last night my daughter and I went to the gym. We walk there and back, which is probably a mile and a half both ways. I really love our walks, because we talk about things, laugh and reflect on what we love and hate together. She's funny. She said that I objectify men, and I do sometimes. She knows me so well, that kid.

Anyway, we go to the gym and do our work out. Nothing major, just us lifting weights and so on. No cardio because I really didn't feel like it..plus we walked a bit more on our way back. I was thinking seriously that there needs to be more hours in the day, partially because I have so much to do. I have to really get back into my spiritual work, because there are so many points that I am missing.

My clothes are fitting a bit looser now, which was the whole point of it. I'm working so hard because I want to be able to cut costs on my surgery in the next year or two. I'm SO getting an overhaul on this body of mine. I refuse to go to Japan like THIS.

Sitting here at work and contemplating life..and wondering about this funding site I found so I can get assistance with my dental work. It's really a lot of money that I have to pay! I'm going this route because I really want to save my teeth. I think I'll write about that experience in another post. I'll be back and forth because my thoughts come so rapidly now..and I want to work on this blog and make it a space where it's all me.

It's actually cold outside..and it's going to rain, but the gym calls me.


Sexy man of the day...Atsushi Sakurai of the band BUCK-TICK. He's a bit older now at 47 years old, but he is STILL fine.

Untitled

I dreamed about you again last night
how you looked as you were walking towards me
hair fluttering in the wind..
I saw you see me as I see myself
looking into myself..
I found myself tracing your veins with
my eyes and searching for my place within you..

..you walked past me, preoccupied with other things
falling into the adoration of others
listening to your name being screamed out
from the many throats of those who are not me..

I looked for the horizon in the space that you once inhabited
feeling the breeze as you passed me by..
turning in slow motion as I realized that you never saw me
and understanding that..
it was just my desire being played out across the miles that now
and always have distanced me from you..

Disjointed ramblings..

Nothing fancy today..just awake and sitting here musing. Lately, and by lately I mean in the last few weeks, I have been doing a bit better. Working out, losing weight, freaking out because my weight is fluctuating up and down because I'm working out..it's weird. But I am doing lots better than I was before.

Maybe that's the reason for this post. My true feelings are that I am taking on so much, but it's not as bad as it could be. I'm learning Japanese because I am going to move there to teach English, but it's like climbing a very large tree. Branches get in the way, and then on top of that, it rains and the bark becomes slippery. I don't think I'm that good at metaphors..heh. Anyway, I am going to win. All my life I've failed and I am done with it.


So I was telling my sister that I want to write a poem. I haven't done it yet because my thoughts are not together. I don't even know what I want to write about. I've not been depressed, so I don't want to write about that..and I am not in love so nothing's coming from that. I was thinking that I want to publish my poems..and I think I still will do it. My sister says...do it. Of course she would say that..she is one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Great..something else added to the plate.

So let's see:

Guitar lessons
Japanese lessons
Voice lessons
Math tutoring
Work
Working out
Publishing poetry and writing poems for it

Then when I pass my entrance test to get back into university:

Japanese language
English 103
Pre requisites

I think that me taking so much on is making me feel like I have a purpose. I swear..it's going to get better. I know it is. I am healthy, I am losing weight..and I have a couple of good friends in my corner. I am good. Determination is good. Life is good.


Oh..sexy man of the day:

Yes. Kyo of Dir en grey. I think I may do this each post. It sure makes me feel better!

Okay, I'm back.

I know I keep saying this, but I am back. I want to talk about a myriad of things, but I think that I'll break them down into different posts. Today we are going to talk about what my sister says is writing for therapy. I am a writer. No, I am not published, nor am I aspiring to write the next great novel, but I write for my sanity. I feel that I have a passion for words and it's something that helps me through the rough times.

From this point on, I am going to write about everything..no matter how insipid and corny, no matter how whiny and self centered, or just plain boring they may be. I feel that I have things to say..and I am going to say them. I don't mind exposing my insides. At least I can do so and not feel like I'm being judged.

I hope that people will find a similar feeling when reading what I am saying..and even though I am writing for me, I suppose this is a way of saying that if anyone can understand what I say and the feelings that I'm speaking about, feel free to comment. This is about a strange-ling..who has these fits of emotion that are very, very different. So, let's begin the journey, yes?